mmm 


i 


A    V 


i 


LIBRARY 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

SANTA  BARBARA 


PRESENTED  BY 
MRS.    ALFRED  W.     I NGALLS 


WE  HAVE  WITH  US 
TO-NIGHT/ 


>i* 


WHAT  HAPPENS  AT  THAT  GREAT 

AMERICAN  INSTITUTION 

THE  BANQUET 


By  SAMUEL  G.  BLYTHE 


PHILADELPHIA 
HENRY  ALTEMUS  COMPANY 


Copyright,  1909,  by 
HOWARD  E.  ALTEMUS. 


WE    HAVE    WITH 
US    TO-NIGHT 


THE  TIME  AND  PLAGE 

THE   society— any    society,    in 
any  city— is  giving  a  banquet. 
The    diners   have    had   their 
food  hurled  at  them  and  have  hurled 
it  into  them.     A  long  and  imposing 
toast-list  has  been  prepared  and  the 
speakers  are  at  the  head-table  try- 
ing   not   to    appear    self-conscious. 
Cigars  are  lighted.      The  orchestra 
is  playing  The  Merry  Widow.     A 
few  of  the  younger  set  are  humming 
along  with  the  tune.      The  ladies 
have  arrived  in  the  gallery.      The 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Toastmaster  rises,  taps  with  the 
gavel,  glances  around  the  room  and 
smiles  complacently.  There  is  a 
great  noise  of  chairs  being  shifted 
so  everybody  can  face  the  head- 
table.  The  Toastmaster  straight- 
ens his  tie,  pats  his  shirt-bosom 
and  begins. 


12 


WE  HAVE  WITH  US 
TO-NIGHT 

THE  Toastmaster:  "Ahem-m! 
Ahem-m-m !  Gentlemen  will 
be  in  order.  Gentlemen  will 
please  be  in  order.  The  waiters 
will  leave  the  room.  The — waiters 
—  will  —  leave  —  the  —  room. 
Ahem-m-m  !  Gentlemen  of  the 
society  and  our  honored  guests: 
Before  beginning  the  regular  toasts 
of  the  evening  I  desire  to  say,  on 
the  occasion  of  this  most  auspicious 
occasion,  that  this  occasion  is  one 


13 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

of  the  most  auspicious  occasions  I 
have  ever  had  occasion — that  is, 
this  is  a  grand  event.  The  society 
which  has  so  foohshly  selected  me 
to  be  Toastmaster  (gently  derisive 
laughter  and  a  self-satisfied  smile 
from  the  speaker)  is  now  entering 
on  its  sixty-ufth,  that  is  its  sufty- 
exth,  1  mean  to  say  its  sixty-fifth 
year  of  prosperous  existence,  an 
existence  which  has  existed  for 
sixty-five  years. 

"  During  those  ixty-sifth,  I  would 
say  those  sixty-fifth,  I  mean  those 
sixty-five  years,  we  have  been  most 


14 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

prosperous.  It  gives  me  great 
pleasure,  on  this  auspicious  occa- 
sion, to  congratulate  you  all  on 
your  prosperous  existence  and  to 
sav  to  you,  in  the  words  of  the  poet: 

"  '  The  world   is  good,  and   the   people   are 
good, 
And  we're  all  good  fellows  together.' 

(Loud  cheers.) 

''  We  have  with  us  to-night  one 
of  our  most  distinguished  jurists, 
Judge  John  Bolus,  of  the  Superior 
Court,  and  that  word  court  reminds 
me  of  a  good  story  my  father  used 
to  tell  when  I  was  a  boy  with  great 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

glee — that  is,  with  great  glee  when 
I  was  a  boy.  My  father  was  a 
good  deal  of  a  wag  in  a  sly  way, 
and  one  night,  when  he  met  a 
Milesian  friend  of  his  on  the  street, 
he  said  :  '  Paddy,  where  are  you 
going?'  *  To  court,  sor! '  Paddy 
replied.  '  But,'  said  my  father  with 
a  chuckle, 'court  doesn't  sit  at  night.' 
'Well,  be  jabers,'  Paddy  replied, 
to  the  great  amusement  of  my 
father,  '  ye  don't  think  I'd  court 
standin'  up,  do  ye  .? '  " 

Pause  for  laughter.     Judge  Bolus 
straightens  his  tie.      A  few  titters 


16 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

here  and  there.  The  Toastmaster 
looks  disappointed,  but  takes  a  fresh 
start.  "  Of  course,  there's  nothing 
personal  in  that,  but  my  father  used 
to  tell  it  as  a  specimen  of  the  ready 
wit  of  the  Irish.  I  don't  suppose 
Judge  Bolus  ever  had  any  experience 
in  that  kind  of  court  ;  but  I  beg 
the  Judge's  pardon,  for  I  perceive 
the  charming  Mrs.  Bolus  in  the 
gallery.  However,  I  now  have  the 
honor  to  present  to  you  Judge  John 
Bolus,  who  will  respond  to  the  toast, 
'The  Majesty  of  the  Law.'  Judge 
Bolus!" 


17 


3 — JVe  Have  with  Us  To-night 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Judge  Bolus:  "Mr.  Toastmaster 
and  gentlemen:  Before  proceeding 
with  the  necessarily  brief  consider- 
ation of  the  topic  assigned  to  me  as 
a  subject  of  my  remarks  this  even- 
ing, I  am  constrained  to  relate  an 
anecdote  of  an  occurrence  that  I 
noticed  in  my  practice  some  years 
ago,  which  illustrates  that  even  the 
humdrum  life  of  the  lawyer  and 
jurist,  devoted  to  the  interpretation 
and  enforcement  of  the  law,  may 
sometimes  be  lightened  by  what 
you  may  call  flashes  of  merriment, 
superinduced  by  events  which  more 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

or  less  frequently  are  observed  with- 
in the  rather  restricted  Hmits  of  the 
practitioners  of  our  jealous  mistress, 
the  law  (for  the  law  is  a  jealous 
mistress,  as  I  have  had  occasion  to 
remark).  Not  that  the  rewards  are 
not  commensurate  with  the  service 
we  give  her,  but  that  she  demands 
those  constant  services  without 
which  no  one  can  successfully  pursue 
the  practice  and  interpretation  of  our 
statutes,  which  reminds  me  that  one 
of  the  great  evils  of  this,  our  younger 
generation,  is  the  lamentable  lack 
of  concentration  which,  if  persisted 


21 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

in,  will  inevitably  bring  down  the 
Republic  to  wreck  and  ruin  ;  for,  I 
may  say,  no  one  can  succeed  in  the 
law,  in  any  of  the  learned  profes- 
sions, much  less  in  the  humbler 
walks  of  life,  without  constant  ap- 
plication, which  is  a  lesson  I  desire 
to  bring  home  to  my  younger  hear- 
ers here  to-night,  a  lesson  fraught 
with  great  consequences  and  more 
important  than  any  other  I,  perhaps, 
might  give,  and  that  is  that  I  have 
observed,  with  alarm,  a  growing 
tendency  on  the  part  of  our  youth 
toward    a  lack   of  respect,    a   non- 


22 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

acknowledgment,  if  I  may  use  the 
term,  of  the  veneration  due  those 
of  us  who  have  borne  the  brunt  of 
the  battle  during  the  formative  days 
of  the  Republic  ;  for  I  well  remem- 
ber, when  I  was  a  mere  boy,  of 
hearing  Daniel  Webster,  on  a  famous 
occasion,  refer  to  what  I  have  here 
set  forth,  not  only  as  a  danger  at  that 
time,  but  with  the  inspired  eye  of 
prophecy,  as  predicting  this  some- 
w  h  a  t  anomalous  condition  of 
affairs,  he  being,  to  my  mind,  the 
greatest  of  our  orators,  although  that 
contention    is    open    to   argument, 


23 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

as  are  all  others,  of  course  ;  the  law 
being,  as  I  have  said,  only  estab- 
lished by  interpretation  of  its  var- 
ious complex  phases  and " 

A  Voice:  "  What's  the  ansv^er  ?" 
Another  Voice:  "  Tell  the  story." 
Judge  Bolus  stops,  glares  around 
the  room,  from  which  comes  the 
loud  buzz  of  conversation,  takes  a 
drink  of  water  and  proceeds:  "  Ah, 
yes,  I  was  about  to  relate  an  anec- 
dote concerning  an  experience  I 
had  while  I  was  a  student  in  the 
office  of  the  late  judge  Smith,  a 
most  learned  man,  and  a  man  who 


24 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

did  more  to  establish  that  respect 
for  the  law  and  its  traditions  in 
this  community,  for,  as  I  shall 
show,  the  law  has  its  traditions 
and  its  precedents  and  its  conven- 
tionalities, but  here  and  there  is 
hidden  a  romance,  and  as  the  late 
Judge  Brown  said  to  me — a  most 
learned  man  and  most  upright 
jurist  was  Judge  Brown,  and  I 
well  remember " 

Chorus  of  young  men  in  the 
corner:  "  How  dry  I  am  !  How  dry  I 
am !  Nobody  knows  how  dry  I  am !" 

The  Toastmaster:   "  Order,  gen- 


25 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

tlemen,  order,  while  Judge  Bolus 
concludes  his  very  interesting  re- 
marks." 

A  Voice:  "Tell  him  to  hire  a 
hall." 

Another  Voice:  "  How  about 
that  anecdote  .^" 

judge  Bolus  rambles  on  for  half 
an  hour  while  the  diners  gather  in 
groups  and  talk  loudly.  The 
Toastmaster  raps  for  order  now 
and  then,  occasionally  taking  out 
his  watch  and  looking  at  it  in  a 
worried  way  and  then  glancing  at 
the  Judge. 


26 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Finally,  the  Judge  sits  down, 
not  having  told  the  anecdote,  and 
the  diners  applaud  wildly,  shifting 
their  chairs  so  they  all  face  the 
head-table  again. 

The  Toastmaster:  "Now,  gen- 
tlemen, we  have  with  us  to-night 
one  to  whom  it  is  always  a  delight 
to  listen,  our  old  friend,  Mr. 
Charles  Cutie,  the  celebrated  wit, 
always  so  spontaneous  and  happy. 
It  may  not  be  fair  to  tell  it,  but  I 
remember  one  occasion  when  I  was 
most  enjoyably  impressed  with  Mr. 
Cutie's  power  of  repartee.      I  was 


27 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

walking  up  the  street  one  day  and 
I  met  him.  *  Good  -  morning, 
Charles,'  I  said,  following  out  my 
usual  custom  of  exchanging  greet- 
ings courteously  with  all  my  friends. 
*  No,'  he  replied,  quick  as  a  flash, 
'it  is  a  bad  morning.  I  have  a 
toothache.'  " 

Hearty  laughter  by  Mr.  Cutie  and 
the  Toas'tmaster.  The  Toastmaster 
continues:  "  Gentlemen,  I  have  the 
honor  to  present  Mr.  Charles  Cutie, 
who  will  respond  to  the  toast  : 
'A  little  nonsense  now  and  then  is 
relished  by  the  best  of  men.'  " 


28 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Mr.  Cutie  rises,  pushes  back  his 
chair,  takes  a  large  roll  of  manu- 
script out  of  his  pocket,  and  holds 
it  up  so  all  can  see. 

A  Voice  :  "  For  Heaven's  sake, 
Charley,  put  something  over.  It's 
fierce,  so  far." 

Mr.  Cutie:  "Having  here  the 
carefully  prepared  manuscript 
of    my    purely    extemporaneous 

speech "      Waits  for  the  laugh, 

which  is  thin  and  scattering.  "  As  I 
said,  having  here  the  carefully  pre- 
pared manuscript  of  my  purely  ex- 
temporaneous speech "    Waits 


2Q 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

for  the  laugh  again.  Gets  a  good 
one.  Nods  approvingly  and  goes 
on:  ''I  am  reminded  of  the  man 
who  said  to  the  other  man:  'Did 
you  ever  hear  the  story  of  the 
eggs  .? '  '  No,'  the  other  replied. 
*Too  bad.'" 

Fat  man  at  the  middle  table  ex- 
plodes :  "  Ho,  ho  !  Too  bad — two 
bad!    Fine!"     Some  handclapping. 

"  But  speaking  about  eggs,"  con- 
tinues Mr.  Cutie,  "  there  is  another 
one  that  is  almost  eggsactly  " — fat 
man  explodes  again — "  almost  egg- 
sactlv  in  the  same  line.      '  Did  you 


30 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

ever  hear  the  story  of  the  hard- 
boiled  eggs  ? '  a  man  asked  another. 
^No.'      'Can't  be  beat.'" 

Mr.  Cutie  pauses.  Laughter 
begins  slowly,  but  soon  gets  general. 
He  w^aits  patiently  until  the  last 
cackle  has  subsided,  nods  approv- 
ingly again,  and  proceeds  :  "And 
eggs  always  remind  me  of  custard 
pie.  Once  an  Englishman  and  an 
American  were  dining  together  and 
the  waiter  came  in  and  said  : 
'Apple  pie,  peach  pie,  plum  pie, 
mince  pie,  pumpkin  pie,  squash  pie, 
sweet    potato    pie,   gooseberry   pie^ 


31 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

grape  pie  ? '  The  American  looked 
up  and  said  :  '  What's  the  matter 
with  the  custard  pie  ? '  Next  day 
the  Enghshman  said:  '  Excuse  me, 
my  friend,  but  what  was  the  matter 
with  the  custard  pie  ? '  " 

A  Voice  :   '^  Too  bad." 

Loud  laughter  and  cries  of :  "Go 
on,  Charley." 

''An  Englishman,"  continues  Mr. 
Cutie,  with  a  pleased  smile,  "rarely 
sees  the  point  of  a  joke.  It  is  as- 
tonishing how  they  can  miss  or  spoil 
a  joke  in  telling  it.  I  remember 
telling    an     Englishman     about     a 


32 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

butchers'  parade  I  saw  in  Chicago, 
and  one  float  had  an  enormous 
sausage  on  it.  I  told  the  EngHsh- 
man  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing." 
Pause  for  laughter.  Everybody 
looks  puzzled.  Then  Mr.  Cutie 
blushes  and  says  hastily  :  "  Pardon 
me,  what  I  said  to  the  Englishman 
was  I  never  sausage  a  thing.  Odd 
that  I  should  have  made  that  mis- 
take. But,  speaking  about  sausage, 
I  went  into  a  German  restaurant 
the  other  day  and  asked  for  some. 
You  know  the  German  word  for 
sausage  is  wurst.      '  What's  that .? ' 


33 


3—lVe  Havervith  Us  To-night 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

I  asked  when  the  waiter  brought 
me  my  sausage.  ^Wurst,'  he  re- 
phed.  '  Well,'  I  said,  '  if  that's  the 
worst,  bring  me  some  of  the  best.'  " 

Another  pause.  Three  voices  : 
"Too  bad." 

Somewhat  flustered,  Mr.  Cutie 
draws  a  long  breath  and  starts 
again  : 

"  Now,  I  am  an  optimist.  I 
always  look  on  the  bright  side  of 
things.  You  can  make  a  joke  out 
of  almost  everything,  you  know, 
and  to  do  so  adds  to  the  sunniness 
of  life.      Let  us  all  be  sunny.     Did 


34 


fd 

j4 

MM 

&w 

^SB^wiL '' 

r 

WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

you  ever  hear  of  the  Irishman  who 
had  both  legs  cut  off  by  the  train  ? 
A  friend  was  sympathizing  with  him. 
'  Sure,'  says  Mike,  '  it  might  have 
been  worse.  Suppose  I  was  an 
actor. 

Hepausesfor  the  laugh.  Nobody 
laughs.  Seventeen  voices  :  "  Too 
bad." 

"  Oh,"  exclaims  Mr.  Cutie,  "  I 
got  that  wrong.  What  the  Irish- 
man said  was  :  '  Suppose  I  was  a 
chorus  girl  ! '  " 

Sits  down  hurriedly,  much  em- 
barrassed.     Loud  applause. 


37 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

The  Toastmaster  :  *'  Now,  gen- 
tlemen, we  have  with  us  to-night 
Mr.  Quintus  ].  Skinnem,  one  of  the 
greatest  financiers  of  this  country, 
who  has  consented  to  address  us 
briefly  on  '  The  Financial  Suprem- 
acy of  the  United  States.'  And, 
speaking  of  finance,  it  might  not, 
perhaps,  be  out  of  order  to  repeat 
in  this  company  a  remark  made  by 
my  son,  only  seventeen,  and  very 
bright  for  his  age.  We  were  dis- 
cussing finance  at  the  dinner-table 
the  other  night  and  my  son  remarked: 
*  Father,  why  is  it  the  rich   people 


38 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

have  all  the  money  ? '  Bright,  eh  ? 
Well,  I  couldn't  answer  him,  of 
course,  for  even  a  child  can  ask 
questions  a  gentleman  cannot 
answer,  no  matter  how  well  he  is 
posted,  but,  undoubtedly,  Mr.  Skin- 
nem  can.  Gentlemen,  Mr.  Skin- 
nem." 

Mr.  Skinnem  rises.  "  Mr.  Toast- 
master  and  gentlemen:  It  is  but 
just  to  say  to  you  that  my  activ- 
ities have  led  me  to  other  paths  than 
public  speaking,  and  I  fear  I  am 
a  mere  novice  at  it.  However,  I 
am  reminded  of  a  little  story  about 


39 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

two  Germans — you  will  pardon  the 
absence  of  the  dialect,  gentlemen  — 
who  were  going  up  the  street  and 
came  to  a  bank.  '  What's  that  ? ' 
asked  one.  '  A  bank,'  the  other 
replied  promptly.  'What's  a  bank  ? ' 
'A  place  where  they  keep  money.' 
'Whose  money.^'  'Every- 
body's  

A  Voice  :  "  That's  what  you  did 
during  the  panic,  all  right." 

Mr.  Skinnem  is  visibly  annoyed 
and  looks  at  the  Toastmaster,  who 
motions  him  to  go  on.  "  But,  of 
course,   that   is    a    mere    anecdote. 


40 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

What  1  have  to  say  I  shall  say 
briefly.  I  shall  not  detain  you 
long.  I  shall  be  short  and  to  the 
point  Bearing  on  this  subject  I 
have  here  an  article  from  the  Bank- 
ers' Magazine  which  I  shall  crave 
your  indulgence  while  I  read." 

Reads  long,  involved  financial 
article  in  high  voice  for  half  an  hour. 
Forty  or  fifty  diners  go  out  of  the 
hall  to  the  anteroom.  Loud  buzz 
of  conversation.  Mr.  Skinnem 
drones  on  until  the  Toastmaster 
gets  so  nervous  he  bangs  on  the 
table    with    his   watch,    for    order, 


41 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

and  puts  his  gavel  in  his  waistcoat 
pocket.  Finally,  after  forty-five 
minutes,  Mr.  Skinnem  concludes 
by  saying:  "  These,  gentlemen,  are 
my  sentiments,  although  briefly 
expressed.      I  thank  you." 

The  Toastmaster  raps  for  order. 
"  The  gentlemen  will  please  resume 
their  seats."  Great  scuffing  of 
chairs.  The  guests  return  from 
the  anteroom. 

The  Toastmaster:  "Now,  my 
friends,  it  is  with  peculiar  pleasure 
that  I  announce  the  next  speaker. 
I  am  glad   he  is  with   us  to-night. 


42 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

We  are  all  proud  of  what  is  our 
proudest  boast  of  our  proud  city, 
I  refer,  of  course,  to  the  Inter- 
national and  Interoceanic  Univer- 
sity which  nestles  so  proudly  on  the 
proud  hills  above  our  proud  city. 
I  am  proud,  —  no,  I  am  glad  that  we 
have  him  with  us  to-night — " 

A  Voice:  ''Who?  The  Univer- 
sity  : 

Toastmaster  (hastily):  '' No,  of 
course,  I  mean  the  president  of  the 
University,  Dr.  Elihu  J.  Beegin, 
one,  if  I  may  say  it,  of  Nature's 
noblemen." 


43 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

A  Voice:  '*  Go  on  and  say  it." 
Toastmaster  (sternly):  "I  have 
said  it  and  I  mean  it,  too.  In  the 
language  of  the  poet — maybe  it 
wasn't  a  poet,  but  it  was  an  author, 
anyhow — in  the  language  of  the 
author:  '  His  life  is  gentle,  and  the 
elements  so  mixed  up  in  him,  that 
Nature  might  stand  up — of  course, 
Nature  couldn't  stand  up,  you 
know — that  is  what  we  call  a 
figure  of  speech,  but,  as  I  was 
saying,  that  Nature  might  stand 
up  in  him — no — and  say  to  all  the 
world,  "  This  was  a 


44 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

A  Voice:   "A  dead  one." 
The  Toastmaster  raps  vigorously 
with   his   gavel   and   looks   reprov- 
ingly in  the  direction  of  this  latest 
interruption.       "  But,     of    course, 
that  was  a  joke,   and   I  am  proud, 
as  I   have   said,  to   present  to  you 
Dr.    Elihu    J.    Beegin,    who    will 
respond  to  the  toast,  '  Education.'  " 
Dr.  Beegin  is  discovered  to  be  a 
short,  thin  man  with  flowing  side- 
whiskers     which    are    white.       He 
rises,   pulls  nervously  at  his  whis- 
kers, shuffles  some  notes  which  he 
has  laid  on  the  table   and   begins  : 


45 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

"  My  dear  friends,  or,  I  may 
say,  my  dear,  dear  friends:  It  is 
with  a  feeling  of  great  trepidation 
that  I  enter  in  the  oratorical  lists 
on  this  brilliant  occasion,  for,  being 
a  man  of  studious  habit  of  mind,  I 
am  not  often  prone  to  speak  in 
public  on  occasions  of  this  kind. 
However,  I  feel  it  my  duty  to 
address  you  to-night  inasmuch  as 
I  have  been  assigned  to  the  toast, 
*  Education,'  which  is  the  subject 
nearest  and  dearest  to  my  heart ;  for 
we  all  know  that  without  education 
we    would    have   very   few   of  the 


46 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

blessings  we  now  enjoy.  Educa- 
tion, I  may  say,  brings  much  to  us. 
It  is  the  wellspring  of  human  hap- 
piness, and  without  it  we  would  be 
desolate  indeed.  And,  having  made 
this  thought  clear,  and  while  I  am 
on  my  feet,  I  shall  now  present  for 
your  consideration  a  few  facts  that 
I  deem  worthy  of  your  close  atten- 
tion." 

Dr.  Beegin  then  proceeds  to  a 
long  and  elaborate  argument  show- 
ing why  it  is  the  duty  of  those  pres- 
ent and  all  others  in  the  city  to 
subscribe  liberally  to  the  university. 


47 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

After  fifteen  minutes  of  it  the  young 
men  in  the  corner  begin  singing: 

No  booze  to-night,  no  booze  to-night  ; 

With  a  face  Hke  a  horse  and  buggy. 

No  booze  to-night,  no  booze  to-night — 

Oh,  fireman,  save  my  ch-e-e-ild  ! 

Oh,  fireman,  save  my  ch-e-e-ild  ! 

She  cries  in  accents  wild. 

The  fireman  tries  as  best  he  can. 

But  the  child  is  bigger  than  the  fireman. 

Others  take  up  the  song  and  Dr. 
Beegin,  after  struggHng  against  it 
for  a  few  moments,  shakes  his  head 
sadly  and  sits  down. 

The  Toastmaster:  "While  I 
would  be  the  last  to  interfere  in  the 


48 


4—WeHaveivith  Us  To-7iight 


WE    HAVE    \^aTH    US    TO-NIGHT 

enjoyment    of  our    members    and 
guests,  I  think  it  no  more  than  right 

to  let  our  speakers  speak " 

The  young  men  in  the  corner 
strike  up  :  "  Old  Dr.  Beegin's  a 
good  old  soul,"  and  when  they  have 
finished,  the  Toastmaster  hurriedly 
says  :  "  Proceeding  with  the  pro- 
gramme, it  gives  me  great  pleasure 
to  say  that  the  next  toast  on  the 
list  is  one  which  we  all  would  enjoy 
responding  to,  but,  of  course,  that 
is  out  of  the  question.  However, 
we  havewithusto-night  a  gentleman 
who   is   so   peculiarly   fitted  to   re- 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

spond  to  this  toast  that  I  feel  sure 
you  will  welcome  his  eloquent  re- 
marks on    this    charming    subject, 

*  The  Ladies  ! '  Does  that  not 
stir  tender  thoughts  in  every  manly 
breast  ?      It   does  in  mine,  I  know. 

*  The  Ladies  ! '  What  was  it  the 
poet  said " 

A  Voice:  "  Oh,  cut  out  what  the 
poet  said  and  let's  hear  what's 
coming." 

The  Toastmaster  :  "  As  I  was 
saying,  the  poet  says  —  but  it  has 
escaped  me  now.  However,  many 
poets  have  said   nice  things   about 


52 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

the  ladies,  and  so,  I  am  sure, 
will  our  next  speaker,  the  Honor- 
able Percy  Cecil  Swope.  Mr. 
wope. 
Mr.  Swope  is  a  tall,  pale  young 
man,  with  a  rapt  expression.  He 
rises  slowly,  looks  confidently 
around  the  room,  raises  his  hand 
impressively  and  begins:  "Mr. 
Toastmaster  and  gentlemen  !  It 
is  indeed  a  pleasure,  a  great  pleasure 
to  be  here  to-night  and  to  be  asked 
to  respond  to  such  a  delightful 
toast  as,  'The  Ladies,'  the  lights, 
as  1  may  say,  of  our  lives " 


53 


V/  E    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Mr.  Swope  pauses  and  looks  ex- 
pectantly at  the  gallery,  where  the 
ladies  are  seated.  He  gets  a  round 
of  applause,  pulls  down  his  waistcoat 
and  starts  again:  *'What  would 
life  be  to  us  without  the  ladies .? 
What  would  life  be  to  us,  I  repeat, 
without  the  ladies " 

A  Voice:  "A  good  deal  cheaper 
than  it  is." 

Mr.  Swope,  ignoring  the  inter- 
ruption: "What  would  life  be  to 
us  without  the  ladies,  whose  bright 
eyes  rain  influence,  whose  minister- 
ino;  hands  ever  smooth  the  wrinkles 


54 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

from  our  brows,  whose  soft  arms 
encircle  our  necks  in  times  of  storm 
and  stress,  who  give  us  the  joys  of 
their  sweet  companionship,  who 
Hghten  the  burdens  of  our  days, 
who  watch  and  guard  us,  who  are 
angels  from  Heaven  sent  to  cheer 
our  lives,  who  charm  us  with  the 
beauty  of  their  faces  and  their 
forms  and  who  elevate  us  by  the 
priceless  example  of  their  purity 
and  tenderness  ! 

"The  Ladies!  Ah,  would  that 
I  could  express  the  thoughts  that 
well  within  me  when  I  contemplate 


55 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

these  fairest  of  their  sex,  but  this 
poor  tongue  of  mine,  unskilled  to 
the  fashioning  of  these  measures  of 
poetry  that  should  sing  their  mani- 
fold graces,  accomplishments  and 
angelic  attributes,  must  needs  take 
recourse  in  the  words  of  another, 
who  had  that  skill  that  I  unfor- 
tunately lack,  and  I  refer,  of  course, 
to'the  late  Mr.  P.  B.  Shelley— his 
first  name  was  Percy,  like  mine  — 
who  said,  as  I  would  say  of  all 
within  the  purview  of  my  gaze,  or 
elsewhere,  of  course,  '  A  perfect 
woman '  excuse  me,  ladies,  for 


56 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

saying  woman — that's  the  way  he 
wrote  it — and  far  be  it  from  me  to 
correct  the  words  of  my  namesake 
— 'A  perfect  woman,  nobly 
planned,  to  warn,  to  comfort  and 
command.'  " 

Dr.  Beegin  jumps  up  hastily. 
"  Pardon  me,  Mr.  Swope,"  he  says, 
"  but  I  cannot  let  that  error  pass 
unnoticed.  Shelley  did  not  say  that. 
It  was  Wordsworth." 

A  Voice:  "Great  hevings!  and 
Percy  named  for  him,  too." 

Mr.  Swope  sits  down,  blushing 
hotly. 


57 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

The  Toastmaster  :  "  Now,  gen- 
tlemen, we  shall  have  one  of  the 
real  treats  of  this  very  successful 
evening.  We  have  with  us  to-night 
Mr.  J.  Howard  Merry,  a  celebrated 
dialect  story-teller,  who  has  had 
many  offers  to  go  on  the  stage,  but 
prefers  to  remain  here  in  our  midst. 
He  will  tell  us  a  few  dialect 
stories." 

Mr.  Merry  travels  for  a  cracker 
house,  and  he  is  thoroughly  self- 
possessed  when  he  rises.  He  ex- 
plains, carefully,  that  the  story  he 
is  to  tell  concerns   a   conversation 


58 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

between  a  German,  an  Englishman, 
a  negro,  a  Frenchman,  an  Irish- 
man, an  Itahan  and  a  Swede. 

This  is  what  it  sounds  hke  :  "  I 
was  walking  down  the  street  the 
other  day  and  I  came  across  a  bunch 
of  foreigners,  mostly,  having  a  pow- 
wow, and  naturally,  I  stopped  to 
listen. 

A  Voice :  "  What  dialect  is  that  ^  " 

Mr.  Merry  looks  pained  and  says: 
"Why,  that's  English.  It's  just 
the  introduction,  you  know." 

Same  Voice  :  **  Oh  !  I  didn't 
recognize  it." 


59 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Mr.  Merry  laughs  uneasily  and 
gets  off  his  dialects  with  this  result: 
"  Don'd  you  understandings  nod- 
dings  ?  Blime  me,  old  chawp,  I 
cawn't  do  it,  y'knaw.  'Deed,  boss, 
dat's  shorely  gwine  foh  shuah.  We, 
we,  it  is  ze  parfait  sing.  Oh,  b'jab- 
bers,  divil  an  a'  do  I  know  what  is 
it  at  all,  at  all.  Getta  d'  mon', 
getta'  da  mon'  alia  d'  dav.  Yim 
Yonson  he  ban  gude  Sweede  fallar." 

There  is  a  lot  more  of  this  sort 
of  thing,  and  when  Mr.  Merry  gets 
well  warmed  to  it  nobody  can  tell 
anything  he  says. 


60 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

A  Voice:  "If  that's  a  dialect 
story  I  move  somebody  sings  a 
hymn." 

And  Mr.  Merry  sits  down. 

The  Toastmaster:  "  I  have  often 
heard  it  mentioned  that  the  pen  is 
mightier  than  the  sword,  and  I 
have  no  doubt  it  is  true.  I  am 
always  glad  to  mention  that  fact, 
for  I  feel  that  I  am,  in  a  way,  en- 
gaged in  literature  to  some  extent 
myself,  being,  I  might  as  well  con- 
fess, engaged  in  writing  a  play. 
Still,  it  is  not  this  branch  of  litera- 
ture I  have  in   mind,   for  we  have 


6i 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

with  US  to-night  one  who  has  often 
proved  that  his  pen  is  mightier  than 
the  sword.  I  refer,  of  course,  to 
the  Honorable  Calvin  T.  Tansey, 
editor  of  our  leading  newspaper, 
*  The  Beacon,'  who  will  address  us 
on  the  importance  of  maintaining 
in  this  country  a  free  and  uncen- 
sored  press.  Gentlemen,  I  bespeak 
your  kindest  attention  for  Mr. 
Tansey,  whom  I  now  present." 

Mr.  Tansey  is  a  man  about  sixty 
years  old,  with  a  short  gray  beard 
and  his  upper  lip  shaved  clean, 
showing  a  very  determined  looking 


62 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

mouth.  He  jumps  up,  shoots  his 
cufFs,  pushes  back  his  chair  and 
begins  to  talk  at  the  rate  of  two 
hundred  words  a  minute.  It 
sounds  hke  this: 

"  Mrtoastmaster'n'gen'l'menldo 
notthinkitisopentoargumentthatthe 
pressisthebulwarkofthenationshber- 
ties." 

He  tells  why,  citing  many  in- 
stances where  a  free  and  untram- 
meled  press  has  marched  boldly  to 
the  front  and  yanked  the  nation  out 
of  the  slough  of  difficulty.  He  rips 
it   out  for  six   minutes,  waves   his 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

arms  wildly  and  sits  down  as  sud- 
denly as  he  got  up. 

There  are  loud  cheers.  "  Good 
boy,  Tansey!"  shouts  some  one. 
"  You  knew  when  to  quit,  any- 
how." 

TheToastmaster:  "While  listen- 
ing to  the  very  interesting  address 
of  Mr.  Tansey,  the  thought  struck 
me  that  this  would  be  an  opportune 
time  to  hear  from  one  of  our  own 
number,  so  I  shall  call  on  Colonel 
W.  J.  Pogus,  who  is  with  us  to- 
night, to  say  a  few  words  about 
our  Society." 


64 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Colonel  Pogus,  who  has  been 
making  signs  to  the  Toastmaster 
for  an  hour  and  has  written  him 
several  notes,  besides  going  over 
and  whispering  to  him  four  times, 
gets  up  at  the  extreme  end  ot  the 
speakers'  table. 

"  I  am  utterly  surprised  at  being 
called  up  by  our  worthy  Toast- 
master,"  he  says,  "  but  now  that 
I  am  on  my  feet  I  shall  endeavor 
to  respond  in  fitting  terms  to  the 
subject  which  he  has  assigned  me, 
although,  unaccustomed  as  I  am 
to  public  speaking,  I  fear  that  my 


65 


'-.^  We  Have  with  Vs  To-night 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

humble  efforts  will  not  do  much  to 
entertain  you.  However,  it  has 
been  in  my  mind  for  a  long  time  to 
say  a  few  words  to  the  Society,  and 
I  thank  the  worthy  Toastmaster 
for  giving  me  this  opportunit\-." 

Colonel  Pogus  thereupon  pro- 
duces a  large  roll  of  manuscript 
from  his  tail  pocket  and  proceeds 
to  read,  in  a  high,  piping  voice,  a 
history  of  the  Societv  from  its  in- 
ception. After  a  few  minutes  of 
this  the  diners  begin  talking  to  one 
another.  The  noise  grows  louder. 
Colonel  Pogus  stops,  raises  his  hand 


66 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

and  shouts:  "I  desire  to  say  that 
you  shall  not  deter  me.  I  shall 
read  this  if  I  have  to  stay  here  all 
night  !  " 

He  proceeds.  It  is  dry  as  dust. 
Finally,  he  censures  some  of  the 
younger  members  of  the  Society  for 
failing  in  what  he  says  are  their 
duties,  and  there  is  a  hiss. 

The  Colonel  stops  again.  "  I 
have  heard  it  said,"  he  shouts, 
"  that  the  only  animals  that  hiss 
are  snakes  and  geese." 

A  Voice:  "Now  will  you  be 
good  ?  " 


69 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

The  Colonel  continues.  Pres- 
ently the  younger  set  let  go  a  yell: 

Pogus !    Pogus !    Pogus ! 

'Rah  !   'Rah  '   'Rah  ! 
Bogus !    Bogus !    Bogus ! 

'Rah  !   'Rah  !   'Rah  ! 

They  keep  this  up  for  ten  minutes 
and  then  the  Colonel  sits  down  with 
his  speech  not  half  read. 

The  Toastmaster:  "  Never  mind, 
Colonel  Pogus,  boys  will  be  boys, 
and  you  can  have  it  printed."  (To 
the  assemblage):  "Now,  gentle- 
men, we  have  with  us  to-night  one 
of  our   most    distinguished    states- 


70 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

men,  the  Honorable  Philander 
McGuff,  one  of  our  members  of 
Congress.  Mr.  McGufF  came  all 
the  way  from  Washington  to  ad- 
dress us,  and  he  will  speak  on 
*  Some  of  the  Problems  That  Con- 
front Our  Government.'  " 

A  Voice  :  "  'Rah  for  Mc- 
GufF !  " 

"  I  may  say,"  continues  the 
Toastmaster,  "  that  Mr.  McGuff  is 
especially  fitted  to  discuss  this  im- 
portant topic  for  ourbenefit  to-night, 
as  he  has  been  in  Congress  almost 
a  year,  and  is  fully  informed   as  to 


71 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

the    needs    of    the    country.      Mr. 
McGuff!" 

The  Honorable  Philander  arises, 
pushes  back  his  chair  impetuously, 
runs  his  fingers  through  his  hair  and 
says:  "Mr.  Toastmaster  and  gen- 
tlemen: It  is,  indeed,  an  honor,  a 
ge-reat,  a  splendid  honor,  to  be  per- 
mitted to  speak  to  so  brilliant,  so 
distinguished  and,  I  may  say,  so 
intellectual  a  gathering.  During 
my  long  service  in  Congress  I  have 
often  attended  banquets,  but  never 
before  have  I  seen  so  magnificent 
an   assemblage   of  fair  women  and 


72 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

brave  men  as  I  see  here  before  me 
tuh-night.  Such  an  incentive  would 
stir  any  man,  even  though  he  had 
but  a  clod  in  his  breast  instead  of 
a  heart — and  I  have  a  heart  here 
that  beats  warmly  for  my  fellow- 
men — would  stir  any  man,  even 
though  he  was  unaccustomed  to 
public  speaking,  as  I  am  not,  to 
fe-lights  of  the  most  superb,  the 
most  ge-lorious  eloquence,  for,  as  1 
may  say,  never  before  have  I  wit- 
nessed so  brilliant,  so  grand,  so 
magnificent  a  gathering  as  that 
which   I   see   here   before   me    tuh- 


73 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

night  ;  and  I  am  complimented  at 
being  called  on  to  address  you, 
although  I  know  that  my  poor  self 
can  tell  you  nothing  which  this  mag- 
nificent assemblage  already  is  not 
fully  aware  of,  but  my  blood  stirs 
within  me,  my  pulses  leap,  and  I 
gaze  out  over  this  wonderful  convo- 
cation of  the  intellect,  the  acumen, 
the  power,  the  very  life  itself,  of  this 
great  city,  and  I  am  constrained  to 
say  that  never  before  have  I  seen 
so  brilliant  a  gathering  of  this  kind, 

which  is  much  to  your  credit '^ 

A  Voice :  ''What's  he  running  for?" 


74 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Mr.  McGuff  gazes  haughtily  in 
the  direction  of  the  query.  Then  he 
pushes  his  fingers  through  his  hair 
again,  and  talks  for  twenty  minutes 
about  the  problems  of  the  Govern- 
ment as  he  sees  them,  which  con- 
sist, mostly,  of  the  desirability 
of  keeping  his  party  and  himself  in 
power.  He  finishes  with  a  tender 
tribute  to  the  ladies  in  the  gallery, 
which  they  applaud  ecstatically. 

The  Toastmaster:  "I  am  sure 
we  all  feel  highly  edified  by  the  last 
speaker's  remarks,  and  I  wish  to 
say,  at  this  point,  that  we  have  with 


75 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

US  to-night  Mr.  |.  Chylde  Childers, 
the  celebrated  poet,  who  has  kindly 
consented  to  read  us  an  original 
poem.  '  Poetry,'  as  the  poet  says, 
*  has  power  to  soothe  the  savage 
breast,'  not,  of  course,  that  there 
are  any  such  here,  but  we  all  adore 
poetry,  I  am  sure,  and  Mr.  Child- 
ers has  dashed  this  off  for  our 
especial  benefit.      Mr.  Childers." 

Mr.  Childers  arises.  He  wears 
a  long,  flowing  tie  with  his  Tuxedo, 
and  has  a  pale  and  distraught  look. 
Mr.  Childers  is  a  bookkeeper  in  a 
wholesale  grocery  house  in  the  day- 


76 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

time,  but  is   a   poet   at  night.      He 
smiles  and   says:      ''Gentlemen,   I 
have  prepared  a  little  thing  for  your 
delectation,  which  I  have  called  'A 
Reverie  in  Purple' — a   poor  thing, 
but  mine  own."      He  draws  out  a 
large  roll  of  manuscript  and  reads: 
"  Ah,  Life,  thou  bring'st  me  Httle  joy, 
Thou  bring'st  me  only  pain  ; 
Thou  art'st  a  hollow,  shallow  toy 

Mix'st  up  with  sordid  gain. 
Thou'st  lasts  a  few,  short,  weary  years 

And  then  we  get'st  surcease — 
So  off  with  dreary,  darkling  fears 

That  in  our  souls  do  crease. 
And  from  Lethe's  stream  now  quaff  with 

me 
And  join  in  my  Purple  Reverie." 


WE    HAVE    \\'  I  T  H    IKS    TO-NIGHT 

Whereupon  Mr.  Childers  reads 
forty-seven  more  stanzas  of  his 
poem,  each  stanza  telHng  of  some 
new  phase  of  his  reverie,  which  is 
a  fine,  sloppy,  sentin^^ental  reverie. 
As  he  recites  the  Imes: 

"And  in  emblossonied  floral  bowers 
When  soul  met  soul  in  purple  light," 

there  is  a  loud  cry  of  "Mush! 
Mush!  Mush!"  This  rather  dis- 
concerts the  poet,  and  he  hurries 
through  his  remaining  stanzas, 
while  the  young  men  at  the  end 
table  chant:  "Mush!  Mush! 
Mush-mush-mush!  " 


78 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

The  Toastmaster  (severely):  "  I 
regret  that  anv  of  our  company  so 
far  forgot  themselves  as  to  be  rude 
to  Mr.  Childers,  whom,  I  am  sure, 
we  all  thank  for  his  beautiful  poem, 
which  is  very  uplifting;  but,  as  the 
hour  is  growing  late,  I  will  be  brief 
in  my  introductory  remarks  and 
only  say  that  we  have  with  us  to- 
nio^ht  that  celebrated  rancoontoor, 
1  should  say  rangcongteur,  Mr. 
Claude  Chestnutt,  who  has  kindly 
consented  to  tell  us  a  few  stories. 
Mr.  Chestnutt." 

Mr.   Chestnutt   is   discovered    to 


79 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

be  a  short,  stout  gentleman,  very 
self-possessed,  who  moves  back  to 
the  end  of  the  hall  so  everybody 
can  see  him,  and  begins  a  long  and 
involved  storv  about  a  negro,  a 
mule,  two  white  men  and  a  cotton 
field.  He  describes  the  negro  with 
imitations,  the  mule  with  imita- 
tions, the  white  men  with  imi- 
tations, and  the  cotton  with  imita- 
tions. After  he  has  talked  half  an 
hour  he  begins  cautiously  leading 
up  to  the  point  of  his  story,  putting 
in  all  the  detail  he  can  think  of, 
and  using   five   or   six   dialects,   in- 


80 


\\E    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

eluding  one  for  the  mule.  This  is 
the  way  it  comes  out: 

"  Scipio,  you  black  rascal,  did 
you-all  mail  that  letter  that  was  on 
my  desk  this  morning  ?  " 

"  Yassir,  vassir,  I  reckon  I  done 
mail  um." 

"  But,  you  black  idiot,  didn't 
you-all  see  it  had  no  address  on 
it  ?  " 

"  Well,  massa,  I  dun  'spect  it 
wuz  one  'f  dem  'nonnymus  letters." 

Mr.  Chestnutt  pauses  for  his 
laugh,  assuming  a  sort  of  a  Gee!-I- 
can-do-better-than-that  air.      Then 


8i 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

he  says:  "Now  I'll  give  you  a 
short,  new  one  I  heard  the  other 
day.  Two  Irishmen  eating  to- 
gether. One  takes  the  mustard 
pot  and  puts  a  spoonful  of  mustard 
in  his  mouth.  He  begins  to  cry. 
'  Whot  are  yez  cryin'  about  ?  '  asks 
the  other  Mick.  '  Sure,  I'm  cryin' 
because  my  poor  father's  did  an' 
gone.'  The  other  Mick  puts  a  big 
spoonful  of  mustard  in  his  mouth 
and  begins  to  cry.  '  Whot  are  yez 
cryin'  for  ^  "  '  Sure,  I'm  cryin' 
becase  ye  didn't  die  whin  y'r 
father  did." 


82 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Judge  Bolus  and  Mr.  Skinnem 
laugh  violently.  "  I  hadn't  heard 
it  before  for  fifty  years,"  says  the 
Judge,  gasping. 

A  Voice:  "That'll  be  about  all, 
Chestnutt." 

Mr.  Chestnutt  looks  around  in 
an  aggrieved  manner  and  goes  to 
his  seat. 

The  Toastmaster:  "And  now, 
gentlemen — now — we  shall  have 
the  treat  of  the  evening.  We  have 
with  us  to-night  a  guest  whom  I 
have  purposely  reserved  to  the  last, 
to  top  off  this   feast  of  reason  and 


85 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

flow  of  soul,  as  the  poet  says,  to 
make  this  the  most  notable  banquet 
ever  held  by  this  society.  I  refer, 
of  course,  to  United  States  Senator 
Demosthenes  Butt,  who  has  hon- 
ored us  with  his  presence  and  who 
will  speak  on  that  inspiring  topic: 
'The  Stars  and  Stripes.'  Senator 
Butt." 

The  Senator  had  been  sitting  in 
a  bored  attitude  for  two  hours. 
Now  he  brightens  perceptibly,  rises, 
bows  to  the  Toastmaster  and  to  the 
remaining  diners  and  says  oro- 
tundly:   "Mr.  Toastmaster" — then 


86 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

he  pauses  for  a  moment,  sweeps 
the  room  with  his  eyes  and  says, 
"and  gentlemen:  I  have  been 
highly  edified  this  evening  by  the 
brilliant  addresses  I  have  heard, 
and  I  feel  somewhat  abashed " 
(pauses  to  let  that  sink  into  them; 
everybody  laughs  the  sort  of  a 
laugh  that  means  they  all  know 
what  he  can  do  when  he  lets  out) 
— "  I  feel  somewhat  abashed  in 
rising  before  you.  Had  I  the  legal 
clarity  of  vision  of  my  friend,  Judge 
Bolus"  (bows  to  the  Judge),  '^  or 
the  eloquence  of  my  friend,   Con- 


87 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

gressman  McGuff"  (bows  to  Mc- 
Guff ),  "  I  might,  with  better  grace, 
presume  on  your  patience;  but  as  1 
am  not  so  highly  gifted  I  crave  your 
forbearance,  and  say  to  you,  in  all 
sincerity,  that  whatever  shortcom- 
ings I  may  have  will  be  shortcom- 
ings of  the  head  and  not  of  the  heart. 
"  Gentlemen,  when  Freedom  tore 
the  azure  robe  of  night  and  set  the 
stars  in  glory  there,  there  was 
created  a  banner  of  light  that  shall 
ever  proudly  wave  as  the  emblem 
of  the  free.  Those  stripes  of  glo- 
rious  red    and    milky   white,   those 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Stars  set  on  that  gorgeous  field  ot 
blue,  the  gonfalon  of  liberty,  the 
standard  of  freedom,  the  pledge 
given  by  our  forefathers  and  gal- 
lantly maintained  by  ourselves, 
that  never  in  this  country  shall 
there  be  a  throne,  that  never  in 
this  country  shall  there  be  aught 
but  that  life  that  is  liberty  and  that 
liberty  that  is  life. 

''  From  where  the  great  Atlantic 
surges  on  the  rocky  shores  of  our 
eastern  coast  to  where  the  soft 
Pacific  taps,  with  fairy  fingers,  the 
golden  sands  of  our  western  shore, 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

from  the  ultramarine  and  pellucid 
depths  of  the  Great  Lakes  to  the 
balmy  breezes  that  blow  over  the 
tiny  and  odorous  wavelets  of  the 
green-embosomed  Gulf,  from  where 
the  Mississippi  rises  to  where,  the 
Queen  of  Rivers,  she  gives  her 
largess  to  the  ocean  tides,  from  the 
pines  of  Maine  to  the  cypresses  of 
Florida,  from  the  ruddy  orchards 
of  Washington  to  the  gleaming  gold 
of  the  orange  groves  of  California  — 
from  North  to  South,  from  East  to 
West,  there  rises  the  grand,  antiph- 
onal     chorus,     that    mingles    with 


90 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

the  music  of  the  roUing  spheres, 
that  mighty  paean  of  praise  and 
thanksgiving,  that  joyous  anthem 
of  the  blest : 

'''Hail!  bannerof  freedom,  blue 
and  white  and  red.  Hail!  flag  of 
deeds  and  destiny,  spangled  with 
shmimering  stars.  Hail!  gonfalon 
of  glory,  my  flag— your  flag— OUR 
PLAG— hail!  thrice  hail!  Never, 
NEVER,  NEVER  shall  your  glorious 
folds  be  furled  ;  never,  never, 
NEVER  shall  you  wave  over  aught 
but  a  free  country  and  a  free  people, 
now  and  forevermore! 


91 


WE    HAVE    WITH    US    TO-NIGHT 

Senator  Butt  sinks  into  his  seat, 
overcome  with  emotion.  Everybody 
sings  "  America."  The  crowd  goes 
out.      The  dinner  is  over. 

In  the  cloakroom:  "That  was 
fine  what  the  Senator  said,  wasn't 
it .?  " 

''  Yes  ;  what  was  it  ^  " 

"  I  forget." 


THE   END 


92 


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